THE TOXIC LIFE

5 News Headlines That IT'S GRRREATT!! To Be An American

2007-10-22T23:37:00.000-06:00

With American pride at a supposed low (according to recent Gallup polls), here are some recent headlines guaranteed to make you pledge allegiance.

1.) Panama Justice – Boot Camp Killers of 14 year Old Black Teen Acquitted - Yes, the punching, kicking and deprivation of oxygen of 14 year old Martin Anderson by seven men and one woman is not unusual apparently in the Florida juvenile justice system. Even with video-taped evidence a jury still found no inappropriate behavior. I'm sure these jurors were fair and unbiased here's a photo of the foreman and two jurors:

2.) Mrs. Bin Laden? - Caren Ann Burke, 49, petitioned to change her last name to bin Laden. She listed her reason as "divorce from Rory S. Burke." A few things about Caren: she enjoys long walks on the beach, killing infidels, starring in the TV show "Lost", not paying child support and Barbara Hershey.

3.) Brokeback Joker? - Americans love Batman, and Americans love " Brokeback" gay cowboy jokes. Put the two together, mix in a sprinkle of Heath Ledger and what do you get... The Dark Knight...I guess.

4.) When We Need It Most - The New Backstreet Boys Album - Much like a raging case of herpes, the Backstreet Boys have returned with their 5th album "Unbreakable." Will this album answer America's burning question? Who buys this shit?

5.) Tila Tequeera? - MTV Reality Show A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila - The program is a bisexual-themed reality dating show where 16 straight males and 16 lesbian female contestants compete for Tila's love, the twist is the contestants were not aware of Tila's bisexuality until the end of the first episode. Keep in mind that Tila is so identity confused she claims to joining a Hispanic gang at the age of 16. The kicker to that is she figured out 2 years later that Vietnamese (which is her parent's background) wasn't Hispanic.

Now if those don't make you feel patriotic I don't know what will....unless a bust of Hillary Clinton does it for you.

I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SAND-PAPER COVERED SPOON THAN WATCH ANOTHER EPISODE OF ABC'S PRIVATE PRACTICE

2007-10-08T14:16:00.000-06:00

Apparently, alot of people watch the hard-hitting medical drama Grey's Anatomy (really it's a soft-core soap opera porn for women). Recently it spun off another show (unholy abomination) known as Private Practice. Bored as usual, I decided to give this piece of monkey spunk an objective viewing. After watching it, I'm left with one feeling only...best described medically as a feverish, vommitting sensation accompanied by severe spastic colon. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Addison (Kate Walsh) is one hot piece of tail

(I'd definitely let her "practice" with my "privates"), but other than her the cast is made up of wooden B-actors walking through a script not fit for a Lifetime movie of The Week. Starring alongside her "fineness", are Taye Diggs, from How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

Tim Daly, otherwise known as the "not-so-funny" guy from Wings. That was the show where a bunch of drunks sat around a bar and complained. I think he was a postman or something.

There's also some ugly chick who played like Judge Judy or something on CBS. and there's some bald, italian guy who might have played Guido The Killer Pimp in Risky Business.

So you ask: What is the plot of this show? I still don't know! Hot chick goes thru mid-life crisis, kisses some faggotty dude, drinks some Starbucks, talks about sex with some cackling hens, dances in front of a mirror, delivers a baby...yada, yada, yada. That's about all I could piece together. In fact, this show should carry a SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Prolonged viewing of Private Practice may cause an increase in Estrogen levels, Man-Boobs, Ascended Testicles, Growth of a Sensitive Pony-Tail, or a Mangina. Stick this turd where it belongs in the toilet.

BRITNEY SPEARS - Mom Of The Year

2007-10-04T11:54:00.000-06:00

Upon hearing that Britney Spears lost her two children for non-compliance with a court ordered drug and alcohol test, a couple of things came to mind: Is she really that bad a parent by Hollywood standards, and is K-Fed really a better option? If she's really that bad, here are some Hollywood pillars of society that are much better:

Joan Crawford - better known as "Mommie Dearest" - a sweet caring physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic, nymphomaniac, bi-sexual, sweetheart. She wa allowed to adopt and ruin the lives of 5 children.

Bing Crosby - A tender loving soul, who gave his son heartfelt advice like, "stay away from alcohol ("It killed your mother") and suggested he smoke pot instead." His eldest son Gary wrote a book about their relationship, depicting Bing as cold, remote, and both physically and psychologically abusive. Two of Bing's children, Lindsay and Dennis, committed suicide. It was widely published at the time of Lindsay's December 11, 1989 death that he ended his life the day after watching his father sing "White Christmas" on television.

Judy Garland - Dorothy from Wizard of Oz - She spawned was has come to be known as Liza Minelli, and showed her love by staying addicted to barbituates, forcing her daughter to raise her other siblings, competing with her own daughter on stage, and most importantly not genetically blessing her daughter with GAYDAR (i.e. how else do you explain David Gest).

The demon known only as Kathie Lee Gifford - She forces her crazed religious beliefs on her children, her incessant desire for stardom, her misplaced beliefs she had a steady marriage as well. Worst of all, I believe she wakes them every day singing that horrible Carnival Cruise Line theme song.

If those people aren't bad enough, just look at more recent examples:

"Mommy, did you really drink that retarded, murderer from Slingblade's blood, and why won't grandpa Jon talk to us?"

Do I even really need to theorize what Suri Cruise's first word will be?

I say forced sterilization for all of these lunatics including Ms. Spears (a.k.a. the "Fat Pig"). Before she Oops...and does it again.

The Name Game

2007-05-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

So what's in a name? Apparently quite alot. If your name is Paris Hilton, it means you probably won't do your 45 days in jail. Not beacause you were found innocent, not because you learnedyour lesson, but because it's really your publicist's fault.

If your last name is Windsor, people will treat you as if you have some political input, or even a clue about the lifestyles of the people you "rule."If your last name is Povich, you can act like you have a responsible news program. Truth is you actually touch only 3 different topics; teen girls gone wild, paternity tests, and hidden video. Thats because they best allow you to exploit the lower income edge of society.

If your last name is Couric, you accept a record-breaking amount of money to revive a dead franchise. When you don't live up to your job though, you basically turn a blind eye to your own failure.

If you last name is Ray, you shamelessly accept any marketing or franchise deal that comes your way no matter how moronic (see her new Healthy/Organic Dunkin Donuts campaign).
If your last name is Willis, somehow you believe that what the world really needs is another Die Hard movie (or to hear you sing the blues).

Sad as it may seem, name dictates power over the general public. But, why doesn't demand? Accept as little as possible that these so called "IMPORTANT People" shove down your throat. That makes your own opinion and eventually you....IMPORTANT.

One more thing, I've found my new calling and it's as a advertising and marketing specialist for McDonalds. You may ask how Toxie came to this decision? Well just yesterday I strolled into the local Mickey D's, and was promptly asked by the mongoloid at the register if I'd like to try their new Minty Mudbath shake with my number 11 combo. "Minty what?" I respond. "Mudbath. We also have a new Swamp Sludge McFlurry." she drools at me. "You're freakin kidding, right?" I retort. Listen, if some ad exec can stand up before the McDonalds board of directors and pitch "mudbath" and "sludge" to describe a new food item, why can't I? Here are some new flavor ideas I'm including with my resume submission:

Fleshy Tonguebath

Salty Toncilwash

Lemony Footsoak

Berry Crackgrit

or my new McFlurry flavors:

Landfill Lime

Cesspool Cream

Afterbirth Smoothie

and my personal favorite....Peach and Placenta.

Since the standards seem so unbelievably low to work in this field, I'm sure I'll go far.

10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Not Upon Us

2007-05-02T18:31:00.000-06:00

So last week I took a trip to a local nursing home (no matter how many showers I take, I can't seem to get the smell off of me). While speaking with a kind 94 year old lady (who thought I my name was Melvin for some reason), I noticed that all old people think the end of the world is upon us. This negative additude bothered me, so in response here are The Toxic Life's - Top 10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn't Near.

10.)Rosie O'Donnell Announces Her Departure From The View - Hallejuah!!! Daytime television is once more free from America's over-exposed, loudmouth, bulldike. Upon her April 30th announcement that she wouldn't be returning after June, public sentiment was uncharacteristically...positive. Hopefully Barbara Walters will get it thru her skull that nobody wants to be bullied on TV, hear about ongoing fights with Donald Trump, or listen to a raving lunatic that for years denied her sexuality in public, and now acts like she should be the Gay and Lesbian envoy to the United Nations. So long, and here's a Harley Davidson Chained Biker Wallet for your time.

9.) All Of America Realizes What A No-Talent Has Been Bon Jovi Is - Last night on American Idol was Bon Jovi theme night, and before our eyes a tired, haggard Jon watched as the worst Idol contestants ever butchered his wretched material. You see, in the 80's when teen girls were stoking their Aqua Net addiction and using a shoe-horn to get into their jeans, I knew this guy was a hack. So Jon, you give rock a bad name.

8.) The Signing Of The Pension Protection Act Of 2006 - Sad as it may seem, a third of Americans who are eligible for 401K's still don't enroll in them. Now, since people don't want or care to think about their future, your employer does it for you.

7.) Britney Spears Comeback at the House of Blues - With problems like world hunger, poverty, and genocide what the world needs is the sweet sounds of hit me baby one more time.

6.) Childrens Support of The Wiggles at All-Time Low - Social miscreants and possible perverts, The Wiggles, have started to see massive ratings drops in their syndicated show. Just look at this child's reaction to their last live concert.

5.) Another Season of Quality Family Viewing...I Love New York 2 - Classy men competing for a classy lady. What else would families do without VH1's celebreality spinoff. Millions of Americans are rejoicing at the announcement of a sequel to the series.

4.) The Internet Pedophile Rights Movement - With the same logic as the gay rights movement, pedophiles are now asking to be recognized as a group of people who are BORN with these feelings and want equality. No I am not joking. They are putting up websites trying to defend their feelings, if you don't believe me see the following link:http://lege.cz/archiv/pedo1.htm

3.) Fans At Talladega Throw Beer Cans On Track - With NASCAR struggling to be taken seriously as a sport, and not the automotive version of pro wrestling, the upscale fans of the sport decided to show their version of home field advantage. Even though 14 people were banned over this, redneck racing fans are too stupid to even realize how much they set their own sport back (but furthered the cause of in-breeding).

2.) Barry Bonds Closing In On Aaron's Record - As Bonds gets ready to break the most hallowed record in all of sports, it proves to kids that being mean to fans, cursing at the media, and doing enough steroids and HGH to grow a third arm really does pay off. Just to prove I'm not being too harsh, below is Barry's rookie baseball card.

1.) Benny Hinn Says So - After watching last weekend's "Miracle Crusade" on TBN, Benny said God had many more miracles for him to perform, so why would the world end now? By my end of the world calculations, Hinn is 55 and the average lifespan of a healthy male is 72. So we have 17 more years of faith healing and people "slain in spirit."

I hope these 10 points of hope succeed in making you feel good about the world, they worked for me. Why, if you have any remaining doubts just look at the charming young people below who will carry on for the next generation.

Geraldo Versus Bill, and A Moron Named Cho

2007-04-24T10:58:00.000-06:00

So whats worse, 2 scumbag spin journalists fighting over illegal immigrants on TV; or an obvoiously deranged 23 year old (who should've been in in-patient therapy) who buys 2 weapons and kills 32 people on a college campus? In Toxie's opinion they're both part of the problem.

Lets start with Geraldo, (shown below at his induction into the Taliban) who is a failed tele-journalist, that looks for any oppurtunity to ham it up in front of the camera. While I do respect his early work on Willowbrook reform, since he has become the patron saint of Trash TV. Anyone who thinks I'm being too harsh just think back to Al Capone's Vaults, or what about his talk show's Satanism special? Here's a quote:

In 1987, he hosted the first of a series of prime time special reports dealing with an alleged epidemic of Satanic ritual abuse. He stated:
Estimates are that there are over 1 million Satanists in this country ... The majority of them are linked in a highly organized, very secretive network. From small towns to large cities, they have attracted police and FBI attention to their Satanic sexual child abuse, child pornography and grisly Satanic murders. The odds are that this is happening in your town.

Okay Senor' Loco, glad you're on top of identifying this impending Satanism problem. Too bad that Neo-Nazi skinhead didn't knock some sense back into your head with a chair.

Moving on to our next pillar of moral integrity, meet Bill O'Reilly (seen below on vacation in the Carribean).

He rambles rants and raves about no-spin, and moral responsibility, yet he makes a live-to-tape news program (so producers can edit guest interviews), and in 2004, settled 2 sexual harrassment cases out of court. He's just as vile as Senor Rivera, just the flip side of the trash coin. Look at the company he's proud to keep, the Nazi Viper Lady herself, Ann Coulter.

Finally, I'll waste as little time as possible on Seung-Hui Cho, a weak, pathetic individual who cannot accept his own social awkwardness, so he decides to blame everyone else.

Sad thing is so many teens and twenty-somes experience the loneliness and need to fit in that this "sissy" felt. Most people don't go after un-armed combatants and call themselves a revolutionary. See if this idiot spent less time watching Park Chan-wook (Oldboy) and Matrix movies, and more time embracing the teachings of other South-Asians like Long Duk Dong, maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone.

I mean The Donger had a hard time fitting in, but with the help of alot of Old Style beer and grandpa's car, he got a "new-style American girlfriend" and even grabbed Jake Ryan's scrotum.

On top of all that this guy's writing is terrible, even for an English major. I read his 2 plays, Richard McBeef and Mr. Brownstone, and they're as entertaining as a mongoloid transvestite. Just read below what his own professors said:

Edward Falco, a playwriting professor at Virginia Tech, has acknowledged that Cho wrote both plays in his class. The plays are less than 12 pages long and have several grammatical and typographical errors. Falco believed that Cho was drawn to writing because of his difficulty communicating orally. Falco said of the plays, "They're not good writing, but at least they are a form of communication."
Another professor who taught Cho characterized his work as "very adolescent" and "silly", with attempts at "slapstick comedy" and "elements of violence."

In the end, if it was so bad Cho, you should have just aced yourself. This didn't make you a tough guy or a hero, just a pathetic footnote in history.

Geraldo, Bill, and Cho. How do these 3 morons fit together?

1.) They all think they are more important in the grand scheme than they really are, and that makes them dangerous.

2.) Which is worse than the other? In terms of loss-of-life Cho, but verbally the other 2 are every bit as poisonous to social conscience.

3.) What do we do about them? Rise up in the cafeterias and stab them with your plastic forks!! No, really thats the hard thing to answer. People can start by turning them off, turn off the O'Reilly Factor, turn off Rivera at Large, turn off news broadcasts showing the stupid clips from this lunatics ravings. These people want you to look at them!! Oh yeah, to anyone who ever needs a friend....

Toxic Canidates For Social, Economic, and Government Reform

2007-04-16T20:32:00.000-06:00

With the 2008 election stretch under way, and racial/social tensions at an all time high (see stupid cowboy wannabe and racism salesmen below).

VS:

The Toxic Life has been trying to think what kind of leader could fix America right now? So in spirit of the season, here are The Toxic Life's Top 7 canidates for change.

7.) Hillary Clinton - The former first lady and current senator, has a rockstar husband (who she obviously couldn't satisfy in bed), and a political-ambition complex that can't be matched. She likes socialized medicine and generally believes the American public to be composed of buffoons who need government control. But, I really like her bath cakes, they keep my skin so soft!

6.) Towelie (from South Park) - He's popular with the younger set, understands our nation's drug problem, and has a great campaign slogan:

5.) Fred Dalton Thompson - He's a senator (so he knows politics), he stars in Law & Order (so he understands boredom), he was in Days of Thunder starring Tom Cruise and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson (so he understands how to work with homosexuals and untalented money-hungry people), and most of all he's got a smokin hot wife who's almost 40 years his junior (so he knows the joys of a viagra and sparks cocktail).

Also of note he was at the signing of the Declaration of Independence (see below).

4.) Peter Griffin (of Family Guy) - Everyday working class guy (with an IQ Forrest Gump would be proud of), attractive wife (Lois), and a genius child (Stewie). Plus, with politician friends like Bill Clinton you know he'd do a good job.

3.) Jesse Jackson - He spouts racial slurs (called New York "Himeytown"), has an illigitmate child from a 20 year affair, seems to magically appear at every racial problem oppurtunity, and loves to slander white Duke University lacrosse players and not apologize. Wow, just the kind of hypocrite America needs.

2.) Barack Obama - A current senator, leader in government reform, and all around nice guy. Unfortunately, he probably won't garner much help from his party, due to their affinity for W.A.S.P. (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) canidates who claim to be liberal.

1.) The Lord Humongous - We at The Toxic Life throw our support behind "The Ayatollah of Rockin Rolla" from Mad Max: The Road Warrior. He carries a big gun, doesn't seem too concerned about girls or race relations, and if you get out of line he unleashes his "Dogs of War" upon you.

Most of all, if he can bring scarred, mutated, sub-humans together in a post-apocalyptic desert; just think what he could do for America.

Max Wright - Father, Actor, Pervert

2007-04-08T14:37:00.000-06:00

Meet Max Wright, star of award-winning movies such as All That Jazz,

popular family sitcoms, such as ALF,

Beloved family man,

and, most importantly, crack addict with a taste for unprotected sex with homeless men that makes Bumfights look tame.

As seen below, in sickening detail, our good friends at the National Enquirer (scumbag dirtrag) have pics and the whole story on Max's charitable work with the poor.

Here's the basic story. Closeted Hollywood star's (refer to our March 17 "Male Queens of the Silver Screen" story for more) wife (Linda) grows tired of being a "beard" (somebody explain this concept to Liza Minelli)

and kicks said deviant (Max) out to live with his gay lover (the guy who got paid for giving this story and pictures to the Enquirer). To put the worries of what his maritial problems are doing to his children (Ben and Daisy)

Ben Wright studying hard at college

Daisy Wright optimistic about her future

Max does what any caring father would, and
turns to smoking copious amounts of crack and
unprotected intercourse with homeless men. Now

don't get me wrong, Max at least paid these men

($100.00) for their time and fed them (Crack and

penis). All of us could learn from Max's bravery, in

reaching out (erectly) to the homeless. After all,

Hollywood can be a rough place. Just look at this

picture of what ALF (a.k.a. Gordon Schumway) has

been doing since his TV days of fame.

Male Queens of the Silver Screen

2007-03-17T15:58:00.000-06:00

We're dedicating this post to male hollywood stars who refuse to come out of the closet. These individuals think they've fooled the general public, and even in some cases have sham relationships (beards). Let's start with mister "ain't it cool" himself John Travolta.

For years, gay rumors have swirled about Travolta. But the actor has repeatedly denied them.
The talk was squelched when he married actress Kelly Preston (Fag Hag) in 1991 and they had a son, Jett, two years later. Preston, 38, gave birth to their second child, daughter Ella, in 2000. There have been several unsubstantiated reports in news rags (Globe, Enquirer,Sun), but in this case a picture is worth a million words.

To the left is John checking the toncils of an unidentified male friend as they get ready to board John's private jet (named "Greased Lightning") and join the "Mile-High Club." When asked to comment on this, John's lawyer Jay Lavely (bottom-feeding slime) simply says, "Anyone who knows John knows it is customary of him to greet his close friends (male lovers) with a kiss." Between that, and his latest choice of playing a drag queen on Broadway in Hairspray,

John seems like he's a love tryst away from coming out and letting the general public know about his love of Perrier, Cher's music, the TV show Queer As Folk, and his vast collection of Joan Crawford and Jim Nabors memorobilia.

Next, let's move on to Travolta's scientology buddy, Tom Cruise.

Let's look at the litigation Tom has started to keep these secrets "in the closet."

The Daily Express newspaper — During his marriage to actress Nicole Kidman, the couple endured public speculation about their sex life and rumors that Cruise was gay. In 1998, he sued a British tabloid that alleged that the marriage was a sham designed to cover up his homosexuality.

David Ehrenstein - Tom Cruise's lawyers threaten to sue Ehrenstein for his book titled "Open Secret: Gay Hollywood 1928-1998", that discussed Cruise's appeal to both men and women.

Chad Slater — In May 2001 he filed a lawsuit against gay porn actor Chad Slater (aka Kyle Bradford). Slater had allegedly told the celebrity magazine Actustar that he had engaged in an affair with Cruise. Both Slater and Cruise denied this, and in August 2001 Slater was ordered to pay $10 million to Cruise in damages.

Michael Davis — He also sued Michael Davis, a magazine publisher, who alleged but never confirmed that he had photographs that would prove Tom Cruise was homosexual; this suit was dropped in exchange for a public statement by Davis that Tom Cruise was heterosexual.

I smell something funny here, and it isn't Xenu coming on his spaceship to take all the Scientologists home. Below is a direct quote from a Gay Czech man who claimed on TV he had an affair with Cruise.

During the recent broadcast, Pity told everyone in the house (and hundreds of thousands of TV viewers) that he had sex with Tom Cruise. To quote him:
"When touring the USA with our travesty show, we ended in small Los Angeles cabaret with almost no audience. After the show ended, I went to the bar where I saw really attractive man. At first, it didn't occur to me he's famous. Only after while did I recognize he is Tom Cruise. We talked for a while and then went to the hotel. I don't have to tell you what happened. In the bed, he is excellent lover and also very romantic. We made beautiful and tender love."There you have it.

**TOM CRUISE OILED UP FOR MAN-ON-MAN ACTION**

Step up to the plate Keanu Reeves. Its pretty well known around Hollywood, that Keanu plays for a team (the Pink one).

Keanu, is very private and secretive about his love life, but has been publicly linked with David Geffen and Alan Cummings. To read more about his private marriage to Cummings, see the link below

http://www.joblo.com/index.php?id=3952

He did attract a beard for a while in the form of 60 year old Diane (Leatherneck) Keaton.

To these 3 actors, all I have to say is come clean. 90 percent of us don't care and the other 10 percent who do you definitely don't want them as fans anyway.

Toxic Movie Reviews

2007-03-14T16:52:00.000-06:00

Okay, it's review time and this week we have 4 standing films. Let's start with a romantic, comedy The Holiday. This movie has so many problems, I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps what bothered me the most was lack of chemistry. The 4 main players (Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black) are all fine actors in their own regard, I'll even go as far as to say Winslet is among the top 10 actresses of today. But, they seem ill-suited lovers in this film. I don't know if I blame the script or them personally for that. The secondary players in this film are also high caliber, so at this point I'm leaning towards the script. Note to producers: spend more time on plot development, and less on cameos. The constant inter-weaving of commercials in Cameron Diaz's life is also pointless and distracting. Altogether, avoid this one and save that 138 mins for watching I Love New York re-runs.

**This movie gets 2 toxic waste barrells out of 10 (AVOID THIS TRASH)**

Ok, let me start out by saying I like and respect Michel Gondry as much as anyone. So many brilliant music videos, Human Nature, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind come to mind, but this movie is a retread of ideas and trying too hard to be surreal. Sadly, there is a good story underneath, but the pointless Naked Lunch-esque effects make it too hard to find. Gael García Bernal gives a spotless performance.

**This movie gets 4 toxic barrells out of 10(I REALLY WISH I HAD LIKED IT)**

Sad, it's sad Sylvester Stallone didn't write this script 17 years ago so I wouldn't have to endure Rocky V. Jokes aside, this movie has its moments while stopping short of equaling the second installment. Please Mr. Stallone leave at this and let Rocky go gracefully into the night. Hopefully you made enough off of this to generate interest in that Rambo 4 script you've been shopping around Hollywood for the past year (That's not a joke).

**This movie gets 5 toxic barrells out of 10(PURELY FOR STUPID ENTERTAINMENT VALUE)**

For my retro pick, check out The Squid and The Whale. A touchingly, realistic movie from Noah Baumbach showing the effects of divorce and separation on a family in the mid 80's. Jeff Daniels is at his best since probably Terms Of Endearment, Laura Linney shows an on-screen realism rarely matched, and William Baldwin (the one from Backdraft) and Anna Paquin provide the comic relief. The real stars here though are the young actors. Owen Kline (son of Phoebe Cates and Kevin Kline) and Jesse Eisenberg (from Roger Dodger) carry the movie and do a fine job of portraying childhood disillusionment. Another thing of note, is how well Baumbach captures the feel of the eighties. Notice the Tangerine Dream montages with Owen Kline (very reminiscent of Risky Business) to see what I mean. Altogether, a triumph.

**This movie gets 7 toxic barrells out of 10(YOU SHOULD HAVE THIS IN YOUR COLLECTION)**

Adam "Pacman" Jones - Football Player or Thug Prince of Nashville?

2007-03-13T15:50:00.000-06:00

These are the many faces of Adam "Pacman" Jones. An "alledgedly" talented player for the NFL football team the Tennessee Titans. Recently though, Pacman's lengthy rap-sheet has been a national conversation piece. Today, we'll determine who the real Pacman is. Lets start with his rap sheet:

10/04/03: Jones was sentenced to one year in jail following a bar fight in which he beat another student with a pool cue, while he was a student at West Virginia University, but the sentence was suspended and he was placed on two years probation.

4/27/05: Adam "Pacman" Jones was at Club Blaze in Conley, Ga., around 3 a.m. ET on April 27 when officers responded to a fight involving two women. Andrea Akins, a supervisor at the club, told police she was punched in the mouth by a woman who was with Jones. But she later told police the woman "had nothing to do with the altercation," a police report said.

7/13/05: The Tennessee Titans' top draft pick, Adam "Pacman" Jones, was arrested Wednesday on charges of assault and felony vandalism stemming from a nightclub altercation. Jones surrendered to Nashville police at Titans headquarters Wednesday morning. Jones was in handcuffs, a white T-shirt and light blue exercise pants when he appeared smiling before a night court commissioner, who set bond at $7,000. The charges included one felony vandalism charge and two misdemeanor counts of assault.

9/5/05: The annual Nashville Sports Council Kickoff Luncheon was held at the Renaissance Hotel. Among the 800 guest was none other than Pacman Jones ... later that evening Jones was counseled for a loud verbal tantrum when he was told to wait in line for his vehicle. He also refused to pay for any valet services used that evening.

10/25/05: In a petition filed by the state, it was alleged that Jones has not made regular and sufficient contact with his probation officer and that he did not report his July arrest in Nashville in a timely fashion.

4/11/06: Nine people were arrested on suspicion of having roles in two major drug rings that trafficked cocaine and marijuana in Sumner and Davidson counties, including a Nashville man with possible ties to Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, authorities said yesterday.
Officers from Davidson and Sumner counties seized 1,653 pounds of marijuana, 128 pounds of cocaine, more than 20 vehicles and $608,000, police said.

4/18/06: Police say Pacman was one of 12 or more people that gathered at a gas station in Nashville when a fight broke out and gunshots were fired.
A surveillance camera shows that Pacman was identified as being in the crowd and he confirmed that fact to police.

8/23/06: Jones was also accused of simple assault by Toya Garth, who said Jones spit in her face. Garth said Jones "got very close to her and spit in her face, and which point she stated she spit back in his face,'' according to statement taken by police.
After Jones was asked to leave, police said he began yelling profanities and was arrested by Officer Matt Baldwin.

"Mr. Jones was given several opportunities to leave, he just wouldn't do it,'' Lt. Alvin Baird said. "As he was leaving he hung out the passenger side of the vehicle and began yelling profanities at the security at Sweetwater Saloon, and he put us in a place where we had to do something. Jones was also said to have bloodshot eyes and a strong odor of alcohol.
He was placed under arrest for disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.

10/26/06: Jones was cited for misdemeanor assault for allegedly spitting in the face of a female student from Tennessee State University during a private party at Club Mystic, a Nashville nightclub. He was suspended by the Titans for one game and was scheduled to be booked on the charge on November 17, 2006.

2/18/07: During the 2007 NBA All-Star Game weekend in Las Vegas (Feb. 16-18, 2007), Jones is alleged to have been involved in an altercation with an exotic dancer at a local strip club. According to the club's co-owner, Jones approached the stage with a garbage bag filled with approximately $81,000 in one-dollar bills. Jones proceeded to throw the money into the air over the exotic dancers for a dramatic effect, an act known as "making it rain". Becoming enraged when one of the dancers began taking the money without his permission, Jones grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head on the stage. A security guard intervened and scuffled with members of Jones' entourage of half a dozen people, during which time Jones allegedly bit the guard on the lower leg. Jones then allegedly threatened the guard's life. After the patrons of the club exited, the club owner says a person in Jones' entourage returned with a gun and fired into a crowd, hitting three people, including the security guard involved in the earlier skirmish. Although the guard was shot twice, one of the people hit, former professional wrestler Tommy Urbanski, was paralyzed from the waist down. Jones maintains that he did not know the shooter, although the club's owner insists that Jones did know the shooter.

More trouble followed Jones after the altercation, when drug dealer Darryl Moore reported to the police after being busted during a deal about his phone conversations with Jones. "We gotta slow down, man. We gotta get him focused on football, man. He's focused on too much other shit," Moore said. Wiretapped phone conversations between Moore and his friends revealed Moore talking about how Jones bet on college games to earn quick money. "You know, I was talkin' to him the other day about smokin', and he was like ‘man, if I didn't smoke I couldn't take all the stress that I'm dealing with right now,'" Moore said.

3/11/07: Tennessee cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has drawn the attention of authorities again. This time police arrested a man for threatening him with a pocket knife.
Police arrested Clayton Smith of Spring Hill on Friday night after he pulled the knife on Jones at a bowling alley. Smith "threatened to beat up Mr. Jones and to use the knife on him," said Franklin police detective Stephanie Cisco, who was at the Franklin Family Entertainment Center when the incident occurred around 10:15 p.m.

Okay, we've got 11 incidents with police, in roughly 4 years. Sorry to say, but thats a heck of alot of coincidence. I'm not so sure that Pacman's necessarily a bad guy, he's just keeping it real for the rest of us. Below is a picture of the West Virginia yokel he supposedly beat with a pool cue. From what I understand the gentleman (inbreeder) was interrupting a game to try to play air guitar with the cue and the rest is a big misunderstanding.

As far as the two women fighting, what is a clasier move than not hitting a woman, but getting another woman to do it for you (stone-cold pimpin).

That supposed nightclub altercation, he just had some words with the owner because they didn't sell Schlitz Malt Liquor. Here's his quote from the conversation, "How you supposed to run a successful business, you ain't got no Schlitz Malt Liquor! You ain't representin'! You ain't keepin' it real! " So true Pacman, so trill.

Not paying valet? Why should he pay, I heard Park That Azz, and theres not one slamming track on the whole disc.

As far as being linked to drug trafficing, who doesn't have a few shady friends in their past. Here are a few of mine:

These are my friends Pablo, Kate, and Tony. They've been accused of some pretty bad things too. But I don't believe any of it, cause people are jealous of how they're livin.

All of this spitting in people's faces is misunderstood too. Pacman traced his ancestry to the Malajimbu tribe of southern Africa.

It is customary for the males of this tribe to pick out their wife by spitting on the most desirable female. Just look below at the happy recipient.

"Making it rain" on some strippers, who doesn't have that on their top 10 list of things to do before they die.

Lots of my friends bring firearms to strip clubs. It's all in a night of fun for us. Don't give me that Pacman hangs with a rough crowd, just look below at his posse.

These look like a bunch of non-threatening fellas from the hood. So give Pacman a break, he's trying to show us how life really is on the mean and dirty streets of Nashville. Trust me, I've been to that Family Fun Center in Franklin, TN and its full of gangstas and killas, not nice guys like Pac and the Murda Squad (name for his friends club). Remember being a hustla ain't all beeyotches and cristal.

Internet Message Board Etiquette... or Why I Shouldn't Talk Shit On-Line

2007-03-10T19:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, I love movies (except for Jerry Bruckheimer productions), and I love talking movies. So where do I do most of this you might ask? Why at the Internet Movie Database message boards of course. I find these boards to be a wealth of information, as well as a place to vent about what I feel is bloated hollywood (this years academy awards) , with bloated stars (Jack Nicholson anyone?), and bloated contracts (Internet piracy cost movie studios an estimated 30 million dollars last year, exactly what Arnold Schwarzenegger got paid for Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines). So the other day I was complaining there about Oceans 13, because as most people have figured out,unlike the first Ocean's movie (which had some definite artistic flair), the sequels have turned into poor plots so rich Hollywood stars can get a free vacation.

Reportedly, George hosts huge, lavish boat parties during production for his friends. I have no problem with what these guys choose to do, but if the movie you produce from this is crap, I refuse to see it or promote it before it's release. I let my thoughts be know on this on the Oceans 13 board on Friday (transcript below)....

Here's how to sucker a studio into paying for a vacation for stars

by descentor 1 day ago (Fri Mar 9 2007 13:08:38)

Hi, I'm George Clooney. I've realized that if I invite a bunch of my Hollywood friends to star in a movie with no plot and have a competent film-cut-man at the helm (a.k.a. Steven Soderbergh) we can play cards, on yachts, in exotic locations, eat well, and generally mug for the camera and get paid. This is because idiots in America will goto see anything we tell them to. Oh trust me, we do some good things with the money, like produce trash vanity projects ( like Full Frontal, Bubble, and The Good German). So please watch Oceans Thirteen, because I'm using the left over cash from this one to produce an outer space version of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid starring myself and Brad Pitt. Oh, by the way, since I lost a bet with Matt Damon over how long Ben and JLo would stay together, I also have to pay for Bill O'Reilly's sex change. Go O13!!!!! Live It, Learn It, Read It, http://thetoxiclife.blogspot.com/

Now, this is just my humble opinion, but I've gotta love the responses that 3 people (sad morons) post back. Below is the first....

Re: Here's how to sucker a studio into paying for a vacation for stars

by angharad07 1 day ago (Fri Mar 9 2007 19:10:03)
Ignore this User Report Abuse

Wow. That was alarmingly unfunny. Even as sarcasm, it just failed. ----------- The House FAQ: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412142/faq

Now, here's what is really unfunny, meet Angharad Baber (otherwise known as angharad07, and real-life inspiration behind It's Pat!!).

This coward run's a blog (which is quite unfunny) and quite sad called Lair of the Swamp Duck (yes, I'm serious, link is below). To make matters worse "it" doesn't even live in the United States, and has no idea why Hollywood and the film system in America is so disheartening. In Cardiff, Wales you have a much different film heirarchy, you should learn to appreciate it (that's not an attempt at sarcasm). In good spirit I went to "it's" blog, and left a message asking for a response for this piece. "It" in response changed the blog to not allow posting and wouldn't stand up for what "it" said.

http://gorbash78.blogspot.com/

After researching this first person, I figured the second poster would be somewhat more of a challenge....sadly no. Here is the second post...

Re: Here's how to sucker a studio into paying for a vacation for stars

by canucksrock 1 day ago (Sat Mar 10 2007 03:17:30)
Ignore this User Report Abuse

LOL this turd has his own site? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

LOL? What are we 12 years old and posting on one of those chat rooms monitored by Perverted Justice on To Catch A predator? Well, when you see Canucksrock's picture, you'll understand.

The respective captions on these, on his site, are "Give Me Some Tongue, LOL" and "I'm So Strong." There's that "LOL" again, we can't seem to escape it, but I guess its really "hip" among the 25 year old set in Canada (once again another person who lives in a country with a great film system, that they apparently choose not to enjoy), British Columbia, Vancouver Island,Victoria. Now when you call me a derrogatory name, "turd", that gives me free reign to examine your life as you describe it on the information superhighway. Canucksrock apparently has alot of penned up frustration against females (Mommy Issues). Lets read some quotes from his Nexopia bio and due to the possible language barrier I'll translate below each quote...

"-I'd rather a girl tell me she jus' wants to screw around than her lie and say she wants more..-"

That means she left him for another guy.

"I'm quite sick of scandalous bitches!!-I'm pretty stupid/gullible, I must say, but usually jus' when it comes to girls...-"

That means she left him for his best friend and he cried.

"I am sweet, sincere/honest, caring, loyal, outgoing, open, spontaneous, fun to be with, and just plain nice:) I can cook and bake"

That means he wants to come out of the closet in the next 6 months.

Dislikes
-Girls who say anything and do anything to to someone, to get whoever(else)and whatever they want

That means he's still a virgin (at least of the hetero kind)

I dislike

-Alcohol

-Drugs

-Cigarettes

And he's 25? Can you say straight-edge!

-Stupid illiterate people who say crap like: "ur", "your" when they mean "you're"-Losers who are uglier than me and vote 1's. How's anyone a 1 anyways?

Not stupid illiterate boys who say "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL", and what gives you the right to call anyone ugly?

-Scandalous girls, IE;Tirebiters, gold diggers, cheaters, and girls who say the same stuff to EVERY guy they talk to.

http://www.nexopia.com/profile.php?uid=18414

Ok this anti-female rhetoric goes on and on. But, our friend Canucksrock belongs to no less than 14 on-line dating style services including:

Plentyoffish.com

Othersingles.com

Match.com

Passion.com

true.com

Qualitysingles.com

Datingnetwork.com

Lovehappens.com

Manline.com

The last of which is a charming alternative lifestyle site. Here's a look at their intro page:

Uhmm...have fun finding miss (or Mr.) right, but stay off of boards calling people you don't know a name you don't understand. Using info I gained from different public posts, I called Brandon (oops, wasn't supposed to use his real name), let's call him Shithead. When I asked to speak with Shithead, his Mom (a nice middle-aged woman with a thick French accent) stated that Shithead was out "looking for a auto to buy with friends." He's hoping to be able to buy a car this summer.

Lastly, let's move onto the third post:

Re: Here's how to sucker a studio into paying for a vacation for stars

by meet_the_fozzi 1 day ago (Sat Mar 10 2007 02:44:27)
Ignore this User Report Abuse

Ha..ha..ha! This is the worst thing that i ever read on imdb board. Whatever!

I'm sorry my diatribe brought out such strong emotions in you Fozzi. Hard to believe it's the worst thing you've ever read (especially if you've checked out the Dustin Diamond Bio page). So I guess it is time we "Meet The Fozzi."

Fozzi

Male 19 years old

Anywhere, CALIFORNIA

United States

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=90492530

Unfortunately on his MySpace page this is the only picture Fozzi was brave enough to give. Outside of a disturbing love of all things muppet (including Jim Henson), he proclaims himself a wild swinger. Although in his comments he recounts a very non-hetero cross country trip with a man know only as DaveD. Below I will quote his blog comments to show people just how witty and genuine fozzi is.

Friday, July 21, 2006

safe sex can be safer Current mood: annoyed
Now that I got your attention, I need you to send me 20% of your worth.I can't save your souls for free.
6:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Teaching .1 Current mood: Enlightened
People are like pigeons: many and dirty. On Friday nights, high heels and mini-skirts hobble along the streets looking for fluffed up sports fans. Is that how it is for you people??? Come to me....I will whip you into something different.
9:40 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, July 10, 2006

A Word about MySpace Current mood: dirty
Have you noticed the Porn culture? I never remove my fur on the first try.
6:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I've got the power Current mood: cheerful
To heal the stupid- To avenge the dull. I'm not a real bear...but I'm a real fucked up stuffed animal.
2:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I attempted to contact this comedic genius known only as Fozzi, but alas, he chose to ignore the invite.

In closing, when someone puts down your opinion on-line, who only know what kind of loser is on the other end. Many thanks to all the great web search engines, Zabasearch and my good friend EasyDoesIt2810 who is a mod and admin at IMDB. To these three posters, I really hope I'm wrong about Oceans 13, but for some reason I don't think so.

Pat O'Brien - Hypocritical, Cokehead, Scumbag or Nice Guy?

2007-03-09T15:24:00.000-06:00

This is in honor of pillar of society (maggot pusswad) Pat O'Brien. Longtime voice of CBS sports but better known as former host of syndicated The Insider and frequent correspondent on Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight (cheap news rags). Pat has been frequently targeted by comedians lampooning his nasal voice (by-product of cocaine use), bushy moustache (porn-stache), and seemingly desperate on-camera attempts appear to be "hip". O'Brien has been parodied or targeted on shows like The Simpsons, Home Movies, The Howard Stern Show, South Park, The Soup, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Best Week Ever, The Opie and Anthony Show, The Boondocks, Cheap Seats, The Showbiz Show with David Spade, and by Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live. On March 20, 2005, O'Brien issued a written statement announcing that he had been admitted to a rehab facility for alcoholism. Around the announcement of O'Brien entering rehab, a string of sexually graphic (and embarrassing) voicemail messages that allegedly contained O'Brien's voice started to make the rounds, particularly within the internet community and on the Howard Stern Show, where they were used to make prank phone calls. The drunk dialing incident entailed O'Brien leaving repeated intoxicated phone messages upon the cellular voicemail box of an undisclosed female. Some of the calls are believed to have been made to Access Hollywood's Shaun Robinson (Hot college-grad who likes blow and apparently not Pat O'Brien).

Below, you can listen to these messages (tweaked up, social ingrate, trying to get laid). Be warned, this isn't pretty.

http://uploads.ungrounded.net/content.php?id=227154&name=227154_ObrienScoreboard.swf&title=Pat%20O%27Brien%20Drunken%20Calls&date=1173416400&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;quality=b&uj=0&w=760&h=570

On May 4, 2005, O'Brien was interviewed by talk show therapist Phil McGraw (Oprah's porch monkey),

which was featured during a prime time special on CBS. He disclosed the reasons behind his alcohol and drug abuse, as well as his experiences during rehabilitation. O'Brien also expressed remorse for the voicemail incident and apologized for what his substance abuse did to his family.
O'Brien returned to The Insider the next day.

Obviously, since he returned to work the next day and acted like nothing happened, O'Brien learned nothing. Another priviliged W.A.S.P. (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) who believes life is like an episode of Maury Povich (don't even get me started on Satan incarnate, I'll save him for a later post). Now, you're probably saying "Hey Toxie, how do you know he's a hipocite and didn't learn his lesson?" Here's an excerpt from him recently grilling Tara Conner (Miss USA/cokehead/Girl Gone Wild in training/Trump puppet)

O'Brien: Have you done cocaine?

CONNER: I have had substance abuse problems.

O'Brien: Have you done cocaine?

CONNER: I have done cocaine, yeah.

O'Brien: So, how does it feel to say it?

CONNER: It gets it off my chest. And to be honest with you, at first, I kind of held back on it a little bit, but there's no sense in it, because luckily, the great thing about getting everything out and being completely open and honest about things, it frees me from it. So the more that I get it off my chest, the better I feel about myself. It's not healthy for my recovery to...sit here and hold things back.

So where does this self-righteous pig get off grilling a 22 year old girl about her problems? Has this piece of monkey-spunk ever atoned for one thing he's done? Why don't you publicly apologize to your wife Nancy and your daughter? Don't see that happening anytime soon.

As shown in this picture, you seem quite content trolling for strange. So here's to you Pat, you dirty old letch, and here's to us telling the story that The Insider obviously wouldn't touch (because they don't care about the truth just how its edited for TV). I personally can't wait to see that compelling interview with Amy Winehouse where you question her about "reported " cocaine abuse you sack of shit.

Amy 2007 Amy 2006

10 Fast Food Items Even Morgan Spurlock Won't Eat

2007-03-08T15:36:00.000-06:00

As the week draws to a close, almost half of American families throw the cooking mit in the kitchen drawer, and decide to head out to fast food chains to feed the family. So what are the worst fast foods? Well, after researching this with USA Today, and Sally Wadyka from MSN health and Fitness, we present The Toxic 10 Fast Food Rankings.

10.) McDonald’s Deluxe Breakfast - This trough of trash includes eggs, sausage, pancakes smothered in syrup and margarine, hash browns and a biscuit. By themselves, not so bad. Added together, a grand total of 1,220 calories, 550 of them from fat, including 17 grams of saturated fat. Just enough to make your colon McSpastic.

9.) Burger King’s Triple Whopper With Cheese - A regular Whopper With Cheese already delivers 760 calories, 47 grams of total fat including 16 grams of saturated fat. But when you triple it up, this meal tips the scales at 1,230 calories and 82 grams of fat including 32 grams of saturated fat. On top of that, recently Burger King has experienced a drop in sales that has led to store closures and a new hip advertising campaign. For some reason I don't think it will work.

8.)Taco Bell Fiesta Taco Salad - People think healthy when they hear "salad." This deep-fried bowl of bullshit packs 860 calories, 46 grams of total fat, 14 grams of which are saturated fat.

No wonder they have gained this nickname:

Also in recent news, here's what Taco Bell's most

well known spokesperson had to say about their

hiring practices:

7.) Stuffed Crust Meat Lover’spie - Two slices of this will stuff you with 1,000 calories, 82 grams of total fat, 22 grams of it saturated. When asked to comment on this Pizza Hut officials directed us to spokeswoman Jessica Simpson who (while shamelessly ad-hawking away what little shreds of dignity she has left) replied, "Stuffed!! I don't eat stuffing cause they kill turkeys to make it." I guess those puppies are getting harder to cover up every day.

6.) Cinnabon Caramel Pecanbon - This gooey pastry packs 1,100 calories and 56 grams of fat, while providing virtually no worthwhile nutrients. I personally have never tried this, but I found 1 gracious lady who eats at the Cinnabon in Inbreederville, West Virginia:

For some reason, I'm passing on trying this one.

5.) Boston Market chicken pot pie - Contains 750 calories and 46 grams of fat, including 14 grams of the saturated sort. After speaking with marketing though, it was revealed this was due to the use of mutated chickens:

that they have since quit buying from this man (More on him later):

4.) Subway 6-inch Double Meat Classic Tuna - Which, thanks to lots of artery-clogging cheese and mayonnaise, packs 790 calories, 55 grams of fat, including 16 grams of saturated fat. Here is Jared (The Subway Guy) Fogle who has been eating 2 of these a day for the past 4 months.

3.) Domino’s ExtravaganZZa Feast deep-dish pizza - This comes loaded with pepperoni, ham, a secret meat sauce, green pepper, onion, black olives, mushrooms, sausage, beef and extra cheese. That might help explain why it also comes with 860 calories, 46 grams of fat and 17 grams of saturated fat in just two slices. Below we see country singer Julie Roberts unveiling in Times Square for Dominos Pizza what they use to make the secret meat sauce:

2.) The KFC Mashed Potato Bowl With Gravy - This unhealthy choice contains 690 calories and 31 grams of fat, nine of them saturated. It is said that KFC officials have been using the proceeds from sales of this to finance a cloning project of the frozen remains of Colonel Harland Sanders ( Noted historian Stuart McKenzie has theorized that Colonel Sanders was not only involved as part of a theoretical "Pentavirate" that controlled every form of media in the world, but also placed an addictive chemical in his chicken that caused eaters to crave it "fortnightly")

Below are never before seen photos of the cloning results:

1.) Dairy Queen Caramel CheeseQuake Blizzard - Eat this and you're spooning up a whopping 1,290 calories, 500 of those calories come from fat, including 39 grams of saturated fat. Dairy Queen vehemently denied this and offered to show us in the backroom how one of their underage, teenage employees actually makes this blizzard.

**Honorable Mentions**

Carl Jr.'s/Hardees Six Dollar Bacon Cheese Burger - Listen to this line-up, calories: 1009, calories from fat: 619, total fat: 69 grams, saturated fat: 28 grams, cholesterol: 155 milligrams, sodium: 1824 milligrams, carbohydrates: 52 grams, fiber: 3 grams, sugars: 12 grams, protein: 44 grams, and last but not least, 15,000 PPM of bacteria from being rubbed on Paris Hilton's privates.

As far as what can be done about the morons who buy these foods, unfortunately not much. As far as the heartless corporations who sell this food (crap) to the uninformed (mindless rednecks, shut-ins, fatasses), hopefully they'll get theirs soon.

To Catch A Predator - Taking The Moral Highground... TO HELL

2007-03-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

How many people at this point, can say they haven't witnessed at least one episode of the compelling newsmagazine drama known as Dateline NBC - To Catch A Predator. Quality family viewing at its best (If your part of Pat Buchannan's family). The purpose of this "happy" little show is to catch online predators (sick, sexual deviant, perverts) as they attempt to chat up underage boys and girls(harlots, lolitas, jezebels). Let's get an idea of how this works:

Sick, middle age, pervert gets computer:

Pervert figures out that there are these "wondrous" and "magical" places called chat rooms. Here, they are free from being socially awkward, unattractive, or morally reserved (i.e. they can be as nasty as they wanna be).

Pervert then logs into chat room for kids and tries to solicit sex (or in some cases submission and/or domination, but we'll get to that later):

Now, here is where things get sketchy. Sometimes these pervs will talk for weeks to the kids even sending incriminating photos of themselves:

NBC has hired at this point a the crack, professional, watchdog team known only as Perverted Justice:

These lonely, ever-vigilant, crimefighters chat up the pervs and attempt to talk them into a meeting at a house lined with cameras from Dateline NBC.

So once the pedophile is aroused enough by the chat loser to take a crack at a meeting, he drives to the house where an actor (starving, junkie voted most school spirit in high school) hired by NBC is waiting inside. But little do the pervs know that lurking inside is a threat greater than any pedophile dare dream.

The one, the only...Chris Hansen

He cannot be bought or reasoned with, he lets them know with a wagging finger that they are sick and disgusting. Just take a look at this murderer's row lineup of shocked deviants:

At this point Chris Hansen reveals to them who he is and who he is with, and that he has a weblog of their entire chat. Most don't want to face the music, and make a dash for the door...but waiting on the other side are kind, considerate, and gentle officers of the law. These officers stop them only for their own protection and safety.

Now the pervs are taken to jail, interviewed an charged. Some of my personal faves are the Jewish rabbi with an unholy love for little boys that only a Catholic priest could sympathize with:

**David "Assclown Rabbi" Kaye**

and a Texas District Attorney for Rockwell County, who shot himself in the head rather than have to talk to Chris Hansen.

**Bill "the Butt-Pirate DA"Conradt Jr.**

I find it uplifting that the same channel that glorifies a rich, real-estate pimp (Donald Trump) who said and I quote, "...although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her..” about his barely out of her teens daughter; seems to care so much about protecting the youth from dirty old men. So in closing, here's what we've learned today:

1.) One of the brothers from Hanson finally landed a job

on Dateline NBC, where he catches dangerous internet

predators. Thank God he doesn't sing MMMBop at the

end of each segment.

2.) If you're an overweight, badly-dressed, balding,

middle-aged man who has nothing better to do than chat

on the internet all day, apply for a job at Perverted Justice. At

least you get paid for it.

3.) If someone identifies themself as under the age of

18 while chatting, don't offer to give them a "rim-job" or

"toss their salad" cause it's a class 2 felony. Not hard to

understand.

4.) Rabbis are just as dangerous as priests. I mean

they circumcise and think Jackie Mason is funny.

If you need more proof, just look at the picture to

the right. Would you really let him with a knife

play with your son's privates. EWWWW!

Joey Greco - The Man, The Myth, The Legend

2007-03-05T18:25:00.000-06:00

Not very often, perhaps only once in a lifetime, does a show as sad and pathetic as Cheaters come along. So consider how lucky we are to be able to view it not only in syndication, but also now on G4's latenight programming. At the center of this cess pool of humanity is its host the truly disspassionate Joey Greco. His job is as sad as it comes, announcing to the suspicious signifigant other (or redneck/inbreeder/illiterate/ghetto trash/retard) that their partner (skank/hoochie/hoodrat/crack-a-lack/baby daddy) has been unfaithful (slippin/hittin some skins/chasing strange/two-timing). At this point hillarity ensues, or something like that. Actually, he now talks the suspicious party (LOSER) into a conforntation with the cheating party. In carrying that out Joey has been stabbed:

shot by a paintball gun:

Molested by hillbillies:

Tasered by a swat team:

Tortured in an Iraqi Prison camp by American soldiers:

Probed by aliens from outer space:

Bitten by a kid with down syndrome:

And barely escaped a pack of wild African dogs:

As well as the deadly South American El Chupacabra:

So here's to you Joey, you renaissance man of action. Clad in black leather jacket, black turtleneck shirt, and a kevlar vest underneath. Most of us can truly say we'd rather urinate razor blades than have your job. As for the rest, they'll be tuned into Cheaters tonight.

Oh yeah, one more thing. How come everybody was so scared of this Avian (Bird) Flu thing, and so worried about Killer Bees? After watching the Saturday afternoon Sci-fi Channel marathon (consisting of Chupacabra Terror, El Chupacabra, Legend of the Chupacabra, Guns of El Chupacabra, Adventures Beyond: Chupacabra, and last but not least Night of the Chupacabra) I'd think America would focus on the real problem coming from South America....

But what fun would that be.

Academy Awards: More Like SHAM-demy Awards

2007-03-04T14:19:00.000-06:00

Well the Oscar season has once more came and passed. The dreck big Hollywood calls art is on display, and once again (in Lucas terms) it's a steaming pile of Sith. Before I rant anymore about the so called Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science, I'm gonna give the Toxic 10. These are films that people should have recognized if their collective balls hadn't shriveled up and ascended into their pelvic regions.

1.) Pan's Labyrinth - Since the Academy members haven't figured out how to read subtitles yet, this had no chance of being up for best picture. But coming from the man who brought us sweeping American epics like Mimic, Blade 2, and Hellboy (Note my sarcasm), this is a visionary piece. Beautiful, odd, and entrancing, it is something M. Night Shyamalan tried but couldn't accomplish with Lady in The Water. This will be a classic for years, wonder when the Martin Scorsese re-make will start.

2.) The Fountain - Darren Aronofsky's long awaited take on love and spirituality. Another visually beautiful movie, with a plot too complex for the pre-fifth grade set. Hugh Jackman gives the performance of a lifetime in this.

3.) Babel - A dreamy moving picture with a great cast. This is in my humble opinion the "Art-House Crash." Although the ending is left too open-ended, the sweeping camera shots and beautiful soundtrack are hard to ignore. Watching this I couldn't help but think Alejandro González Iñárritu is one movie away from his masterpiece.

4.) The Prestige - Chris Nolan back at what he does best...trick endings. Christian Bale and Michael Caine are outstanding in this, but I wish Scarlett Johansson could be tarred and feathered for her lack of ability.

5.) Notes On a Scandal - Judi Dench in a scary role that has to be seen to be believed.

6.) The Painted Veil - Beautiful, moving, and well acted. Edward Norton is the best current American male actor. Period.

7.) Thank You For Smoking - Perfect satire that doesn't get too preachy. Aaron Eckhart is spot-on.

8.) Borat - Sacha Baron Cohen puts the joke on everybody, and comes up with a unique comedy. I should have known that when people kept telling me this guy was funny, there was a reason behind it.

9.) Smokin' Aces - To say this is a Tarrantino rip-off is ridiculous. This is moreso what The Departed was supposed to be...a gritty pot-boiler. Joe Carnehan somehow gets a dramatic turn from Ryan Reynolds. For that alone he gets my respect.

10.) Infamous - Toby Jones channeling Truman Capote in a incredible performance that Phillip Seymour Hoffman should be forced to watch. Also, Daniel Craig and Sandra Bullock (yes, that Sandra Bullock) in very strong supporting performances.

**HONORABLE MENTION**

Clerks 2 - Kevin Smith back on top of his game with slacker/toilet humor. This is the movie You Me and Dupree as well as many others tried to be.

With the exception of Babel, and to some extent Pan's Labyrinth and Notes on A Scandal, these films were ignored for major awards. No wonder when notable film afficionados like Rosie O'Donnell help comprise the Academy voting body.

Please take note this is the same academy that gave John Ford's How Green Was My Valley best picture over Orson Welle's Citizen Kane, that nominated The Color Purple and The Shawshank Redemption for a combined 18 awards but gave them none, and gave us visionary actress Marisa Tomei. Good job.

So until Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch win an Oscar...

wait a minute, that's possible.

What about until Tony "Tuff Guy"

Danza is in a movie that wins best picture...

Wait a minute that freakin happened. What about until Three Six Maffia win an Oscar for best original song...

Shit, that happened too. Lets just say until Keanu Reeves, the Beetlejuice guy (Michael Keaton), and Alonzo (the bad cop from Training Day) do Shakespeare....

Okay, so nothings sacred. Screw the academy voters, they know dick.